The Line in the Sand

My therapy sessions always begin the same way. She asks me what’s been going good lately and I reply. She said it’s a good way to start a session.

But this time, it was really hard for me to come up with a list of things that were going right in my life because all I could think of was what was going wrong.

Should I start with the fact that Brian’s drinking has increased from a couple times a week to almost every day?

What about the fact that we were fighting more often and we were just making each other feel more and more awful with each fight?

Or maybe I was so stressed out and unhappy that I was shoveling food into my mouth compulsively, almost making myself sick at times?

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The Proverbial Candle in the Dark Room

I think I’ve made a breakthrough in my therapy. A few weeks ago, my therapist gave me a worksheet. It had 5 columns on it: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social. In each column there were about 3 pages of ideas, things related to the column header. She told me to put a star next to the ones I was already doing, and circle the ones I’d like to try.

After completing the worksheet, I felt a kind of excitement that I haven’t felt in a long time. When you graduate from college, you have no more homework assignments, no more professors to be accountable to, no more end goal to reach.

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What a Difference a Day Makes

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a month now and so far it’s been really good. She encourages me to set goals at each session and helps me focus on being positive. This is what I needed. Structure and focus.

Brian and I are together again. It wasn’t until after my first session with my therapist that I decided I needed to work on our relationship. I was equipped with new tools for dealing with my emotions and working on my communication skills. There were things about us that I couldn’t let go of, like how perfectly imperfect we were together.

I let him in on some of the things I talk about in my therapy sessions, like how I’m trying to learn to address things as they come up rather than letting them sit unaddressed.

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No One Can Make Me Happy But Me

These last couple days, words have been itching to come out of my fingers. I guess it’s because Brian and I aren’t texting or talking every hour of the day so I have a lot more thoughts built up in my mind and they need to be let out.

I really have been exploring a more spiritual path these last couple days. I have never been religious by any means despite being raised strictly Catholic. I cringe at the idea of having to go to church. But I’ve always thought I needed some other kind of spiritual path.

Several years ago I began learning meditation. That lasted for about a couple months and then my iPod broke and I haven’t bothered since. I think the results were too minimal for me to find any value in it anyway.

And then when I wanted to lose weight, I started to learn pilates. Now that I was able to get into. Plus I saw a definite improvement in my core strength and flexibility.

Now I’m looking into practicing yoga, which in a way is almost like pilates and meditation combined.

The sad thing is that as I’m exploring all of these things I’m looking into, I want to share it with him, my excitement, my wonder, my fear, and my curiosity. Because when you’re embarking on something new and exciting, you want to tell your best friend and, well, he’s been mine for the last 6 months.

I guess that’s the thing about this separation. It made me happy to share my life with him because it validated it. But no one else can validate my life but myself. No one but myself can make me happy. And now I just have to figure out how. On my own.

Filling the Void

I’m reading this book right now called 33 Ways To Reboot Your Life (The Reboot Series). It’s a very thought provoking read primarily because it suggests doing some drastic things like sell all your crap, quit your job, and go on a 10 day meditation retreat.

There’s a line in it that reads: Whenever you eliminate something, you create a vacuum. Always, always create something new and better to fill the vacuum you have created.

I am doing just that.

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The Occasional Words and Photos from Kristine Macabare