Tag Archives: relationships

No Apologies

The best way to fall in love is without fear. You close your eyes and you let it take over you and lead you. You fall so hard and so fast, you feel like years have passed by when indeed it’s only been months.

But there’s a risk with that.

Like jumping out of a plane, sometimes your parachute doesn’t open.

That’s what I’ve been feeling like the last few days. I took that leap, my parachute didn’t open, and now that I’ve landed, I’ve been left broken. Broken body, broken soul, and a broken heart.

I’m not going to pretend like everything is good. I’ve ended a toxic relationship, yes, but that doesn’t make me happy. My friends say, “Well it’s great that you’re doing this now, rather than years later.”

If it’s so great, why doesn’t it feel that way?

Why can’t I let go of this anger? Why can’t I release these tears that have been building up? Why can’t I do anything else besides think of him and hope that he’s just as miserable and broken hearted as I am?

Is it so bad to want to feel like you meant something to someone? That your presence in their life was so significant that they’ll always compare everyone else to you? That when they’re lying in bed at night, trying to go to sleep, that they’ll think of you and wonder how you are?

 

Delete and Restart

“We haven’t talked in days. Does this mean we’re breaking up or we’re taking time apart?” I asked him in a text.

“I don’t really know. I’m not feeling too good today. I had too much of Charlie’s homemade plum wine last night.”

“I’ve been back and forth on the idea. We both deal with stress in unhealthy ways. But when we’re both happy, we’re good,” I said. “At least that’s what I think. I don’t know what you think.”

“Do what you think is good for you. I told you I’m not feeling good. If I want to talk about it, it’ll be tomorrow. Thanks.”

I hit a brick wall with him again. I’ve been hitting a lot of brick walls with him. I was beginning to think I wasn’t going to get anywhere. He was a 46 year old man with the emotional age of a 5 year old boy.

“Actually that kinda sounds like an answer to me,” I said. “Take care.”

Those were my last words to him. He had turned cold and unresponsive within a span of days. I realized I had put myself out on an emotional ledge, only to find that I was standing there all by myself.

I proceeded to delete him. I removed him from my address book. I deleted our chat history. I wanted no trace of him left. I didn’t want to leave any room for any second thoughts about what I was choosing to do.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I was so frustrated, so angry with myself. How could I have fallen in love so quickly and so deeply with someone who was a completely immature, selfish, narcissistic psychopath? How could I have let this man into my life? I will never know or understand.

Familiar Territory

It was early Saturday morning. Daylight was struggling to peek through the light-blocking curtains. Brian was asleep next to me. We were in his bed, back where we began. He was snoring softly, his back to me.

I was here again. Although we had said no more sleep overs for a while, I had given in to him the night before and showed up on his doorstep.

“Hi there!” he said cheerfully as he opened the front door for me.

“Hi,” I said, stepping inside with my overnight bag and a plastic CVS bag. “I had to stop and get some bottled water because my throat was killing me.” I set both down on the kitchen table and I turned to him.

Continue reading Familiar Territory

Taylor Swift Writes Songs About My Life

I placed his things in a large Teavana shopping bag: a flannel shirt I once told him he looked sexy in, the photographic print of the Outlaw motorcyclist that I gave to him for Valentine’s day, and the SceneIt Seinfeld edition that he gave to me because I was the only one who could beat him at it.

Brian and I were on the verge of a break up on a night when he would be meeting my friends for the first time. How ironic, right? Did they know it? No. I didn’t want to ruin the occasion.

Continue reading Taylor Swift Writes Songs About My Life

That Girl

“Kristine? She sits over there in the corner by the windows.” It was just after lunch and I had been sitting at my desk when I happened to notice, out of the corner of my eye, coworkers on the other side of the office pointing in my direction.

“Oh I see, you guys put the minorities all the way in the back corner,” followed by laughter. It was a voice I’d become familiar with over the past 3 months. He had that unmistakable deep, booming voice with the west Texas drawl. There he appeared from around one of the columns. He was smiling that handsome smile of his, dressed in jeans, his leather riding jacket, and a blue bandana wrapped around his head.

“Baby,” I said. It came out of my mouth almost instictively, completely forgetting that my coworkers were nearby. “What are you doing here?”

“Well,” he said, giving me a big hug. “I heard there was some holiday that everyone was making a big deal about. Valentine’s day or something?”

And with that, he reached into his jacket and pulled out a pink envelope and a brown teddy bear with a heart attached to its chest. “Awww, honey…” I said, totally and completely surprised.

My coworkers, who had stopped what they were doing to watch, chimed in and started doing their ironic clapping. “Oh stop it!” Brian said, waving them away. I couldn’t stop giggling. Had I been able to show any level of blushing, I probably would have been bright red. In all my life, I’ve never been surprised the way he surprised me that day. That afternoon I became that woman in the office who’s boyfriend paid a surprise visit to her at work bearing Valentine’s gifts. Before meeting him, I didn’t have any notable romantic stories to share with my girl friends. No tales of butterflies, of arguments, laughter, passionate makeup kisses, and surprises like this one. But here I was, and I’ve lived through all of it in the past 3 months.

The teddy bear smelled like him, he said. He had sprayed some of his favorite cologne on it so I brought it up to my nose and I sniffed it. Yes, it smelled exactly like him–cool and masculine. I smiled up at him, “Thank you,” I said, kissing him, totally not caring that my coworkers were still there. “I love it.”

I did. I loved it. I love him. And he loves me.