Tag Archives: dating

Easy Come, Easy Go

I received a message today. He’s a nice man, a writer, and much older than me. He writes articles about food and wine, two things I can get on board with, and travels frequently. He was also impressed with my honesty because I confessed how I bought wine based on the name and the label. “What else do you want to tell me?” he asked.

That was a loaded question. Should I have said I just had my heart broken by Denver Guy? That I was disappointed and disillusioned by the potential for love?

I knew when I decided to start dating again that I was bound to become disappointed or even get my heart broken at one point. The distance became too difficult to deal with. It only works when both people put in the effort to make it work and that just wasn’t happening.

So, moving on.

I had lunch with Gonzo on Friday and he kept giving me a hard time about using the “bargain bin” dating sites, as he likes to call them, instead of the more reputable, pay-for sites. “C’mon, it’s like shopping at Thrifty Nickel versus Macy’s,” he said.

I laughed. “Thrifty Nickel,” I repeated. “I like that place.”

But it reminds me of that line from that book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. We accept the love we think we deserve. Perhaps that’s my problem. Perhaps the thought of having an easy, normal relationship scares me, and that I need some kind of drama to pique my interest. Could I really be in a relationship that follows all the rules? You know the kind I’m talking about. Where the man pays for dinner, rather than going dutch, and doesn’t hint at the idea of sex afterwards. Or when he showers you with attention and gifts, rather than ignores you. I mean really, could I be that girl that receives flowers that I didn’t have to practically pay for myself? That seems like a completely different culture to me.

On the other hand, perhaps that’s exactly the change I need.

 

A Million Miles

tokyo

Something feels different these days. It’s hard to explain, but it’s almost as if for the first time in a while I’m… (dare I say it?)… happy.

And it’s not the kind of happy you say you are when you’re really not. You know what I mean–the artificial kind of happy that helps you get through the day.

It’s the kind of happy that makes you not afraid anymore. You know, when you’re not scared to live your life or make mistakes. You’re willing to take that risk because you know the payoff could potentially be really, really big.

Denver Guy has been out in the Pacific traveling between Hawaii and Japan. He’s so consumed when he works there are some days where I only get a few phrases from him. “How have you been?” he asked one day.

“Meh. I miss you so I’m preoccupying myself with house projects,” I said. “I’m reorganizing my bathroom and my home office. And tomorrow I’m inviting friends over for dinner and drinks.”

“Nice,” he said.

Despite the fact that I haven’t seen him since May and I probably won’t see him again until October (or worse yet, January), I’m still happy. I think it’s because I’m beginning to feel more and more secure because when he says he’ll text or he’ll call, he’ll follow through. When I ask him if he likes me, he says yes, he wouldn’t have kept talking to me if he didn’t. And when I ask him if he’ll come to my sister’s wedding, he’ll say, “That sounds like fun. When is it?”

I was surprised. I didn’t didn’t get the response I was used to with my ex. You know, the uncomfortable, wishy-washy, “Well… maybe…” response that one receives when they have one foot out the door ready to bolt.

Denver Guy was interested. He wanted to go. With me. To a formal occasion with my family nonetheless. And although he couldn’t commit completely because of his work schedule, he said he would let me know as soon as he could. That alone made me smile from ear to ear.

Back Here Again

3rddate

Fate, you are one awfully cruel, no good, son of a bitch.

Denver Guy went back to, well, Denver. The client he was working for here didn’t want to pay his normal rate to keep him full time so of course he said so long. And yet after saying hundreds of times that I was never going to be in a long distance relationship, here I am again, in a long distance relationship.

I am handling things differently this time around though. I told him we’re going to just keep in touch and see where things go from here. We’re not making it entirely exclusive right now because it was still too early. I even went as far as meeting another guy, but bringing it up wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

“So another guy sent me a message the other day,” I said. “We chatted for a bit and he asked me out on a date. Would it be ok if I said yes?”

“I guess it’s ok,” he said.

It wasn’t the response I thought I’d get. I didn’t think I would get a virtual high five but I thought it would at least get a, “Yeah sure, that’s fine,” or something.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “Because it doesn’t really sound like you are.”

“It’s fine. I can’t tell you no,” he said. There it was again. The response that read, “I’m not ok with it, but I’m going to say I am because I really have no other choice because of our situation.”

But he reassured me that he meant it. He promised me that he would always be straight with me and as long as he did, I would always take him for his word. It went both ways. “Just tell me if it goes anywhere, ok?” he said. Yes, I promised him.

And while I might be entertaining myself with other dates right now, there are a lot of reasons why Denver Guy is the only one that appeals to me. First and foremost, he wants a relationship and he wants to get married again. That was the one thing I made sure to check off my list. I wanted to at least know that he still believed in marriage, even after his divorce.

Second, he has a brilliant mind. He works really hard and is confident about what he does. And seriously, I’m in awe of him sometimes and what he’s accomplished in his life. Going from being homeless as a teenager, to flipping houses, then to owning his own construction business before turning 21. His focus and determination astound me.

Third, he’s just a downright good person who also happens to be family oriented. I’ve never actually seen him and his son interact, but I’ve heard them talk on the phone before and it’s really sweet. In fact, I think they talk to each other every night. And although I’m not entirely interested in having children of my own, I can see the kind of man he is when he talks to his son and I know that he’s a man I can trust. He makes me smile and laugh and he’s got this quiet, but strong presence that’s familiar to me because that’s exactly how my dad was.

Last but not least, there is an undeniable physical attraction between us that manifests in multiple ways. Like in the way he kisses me and the way I instinctively nestle perfectly in the crook of his arm whether we’re lying in bed or standing at a restaurant waiting for a table. He’s the right amount of possessive and I love being possessed. It’s reciprocal and in a way, it’s perfect.

So yeah, I might be entertaining offers from other men, but when it comes to seeing a future, it’s Denver guy.

Eggs Over Easy, Please

It was our second date.

He picked me up at my apartment in his sporty sedan. As I got into his car, I said, “Hello there,” and he brought his finger to his lips and pointed at the dashboard navigation system. Evidently he was on a work call over the bluetooth speaker. I silently mouthed an, “Ohh, ok,” and nodded my head, closing the door.

We drove to the restaurant without really speaking to each other. I just watched the passing scenery and gave him directions every once in a while. They were talking about the job he was in town for. Evidently he was getting a lot of resistance so he was just venting his frustration to his colleague.

When we got to the restaurant, a busy little burger joint off the tollway in Addison, he transferred the call to his cell phone and we walked side by side while he continued to talk. I started to pull open the door to the restaurant when he gently grabbed my elbow and gestured for me to stay back.

Confused, I nodded and stayed outside with him. Then I just played on my cell phone for a bit while he finished his call. “Ok, that sounds good,” he said to his colleague. “I’ll give you a call when I get done with the evening. Bye.”

He ended the call and he smiled at me. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” I said, smiling.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to kiss you.” And there in that busy parking lot, he leaned down, wrapped his arm around me and kissed me sweetly on the lips.

I smiled up at him, “Oh, ok.”

Public displays of affection are alien to me. Secretly I always knew I longed for it, but the relationship I was in before was severely lacking in it so I learned to just deal.

But then as I started dating and I realized how much I wanted physical touch. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and peripheral touching all became an important factor in who I wanted to date. And that got me thinking, how could I have known 5, even 10 years ago, who I wanted to marry when the guy I thought I wanted to marry didn’t speak my love language?

I feel like I’ve changed so much and I’ve experienced so much these last 4 months that I’m almost relieved that I didn’t settle. I mean hell, I used to think I hated over-easy eggs and loved scrambled eggs. Turned out it was the other way around. Granted, I did stay in that relationship far longer than I should have, but I know now that it would have been a mistake to get married.

And in the end, I guess it was better to deal with a breakup than with a divorce.

A Dish Best Served Cold

My fuse has been short this past week.

For the most part, I have a high tolerance of pain and I can be very forgiving. But when I forgive, I don’t forget. So when I forgive, and forgive, and forgive someone… it all adds up over time. Eventually I finally run out of room for forgiveness, and then my wrath is unleashed.

That’s exactly what happened this week.

My ex and I parted ways several months ago (for good this time). It was not a clean break up. It was messy. Long story short, in addition to breaking my heart, he also owed me some money which I’ve been lax in getting back. But no, not this time. Money is a trivial thing to me and when I loan it to someone I care about, I rarely expect to be paid back, especially when I know they need it. The thing is though, I wanted to take something from him. I wanted to hurt him in any way I could, so I demanded my money.

Earlier this week I texted him, asking if I should expect to see my money this week. He said yes. I didn’t stop there though. I kept going… calling him names and just generally being a vindictive bitch. And I didn’t stop. Even after he tried to end the conversation, I kept going. “No, you are an asshole. And I want you to live the rest of your life knowing I think that. Because all you ever did was break my heart and disappoint me. And this time you did it to a point where I don’t even want to remember who you were or that you were ever in my life. That’s how much I hate you.”

But I kept going even further after that.

I don’t know what I was looking for really. Perhaps I wanted an apology. Or perhaps I wanted him to explain to me how it was all a misunderstanding, because he was really good at doing that.

The truth is I didn’t feel any better afterwards because this time he had no excuse. No explanation that would make anything better. And that was probably the hardest part… knowing it was true. Because I didn’t want to believe that I could ever be the kind of person who could deserve such treatment, who could be disregarded and forgotten like that.

I’m far from being perfect I know. But I deserved more consideration than that.

This week has proved to me that I’m in no position to start looking for another relationship. Date, yes. But long term commitment? Not right now.

I just need someone to numb the pain.