The Proverbial Candle in the Dark Room

I think I’ve made a breakthrough in my therapy. A few weeks ago, my therapist gave me a worksheet. It had 5 columns on it: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social. In each column there were about 3 pages of ideas, things related to the column header. She told me to put a star next to the ones I was already doing, and circle the ones I’d like to try.

After completing the worksheet, I felt a kind of excitement that I haven’t felt in a long time. When you graduate from college, you have no more homework assignments, no more professors to be accountable to, no more end goal to reach.

In life, you’re kinda on your own. You’re suddenly accountable for your own successes and failures. There’s no real next phase in life except for death, and yet we spend every waking moment avoiding it. Suddenly everything becomes very overwhelming and depressing.

When I came back for my next session, I told her that I really enjoyed the assignment.  It reminded me of the days in school when I went home with homework assignment and returned it to my teacher to show my progress. “I don’t think I’ve really looked forward to anything like this in a while,” I said. It was promising.

The following days, I slowly began to find my motivation. I created a worksheet for my planner for both my self-nurturing journey and my weekly meal plan. I wrote things down: thoughts, goals, daily to dos, and then I set out to accomplish them.

At first I started documenting everything after the fact, like as I went along. But I realized I wasn’t making it a priority that way. Some days I wouldn’t accomplish anything. Then I began to plan the following day’s activities, just like I would my meals. I began to make more progress that way.

I began reading spiritually uplifting books, one of which Brian’s mother shared with us.  I never thought of myself as religious,  and I know my “spiritual” category needed some attention, but lately I’ve been appreciating uplifting readings.

On Friday, I had another appointment with my therapist and I told her how much better everything has been. I said Brian had even pointed out how he could already see a change in me.

The journey has been eye opening. I know I have many more miles to cover and this is only the beginning, but I’ve learned that it’s important for me to know where I’ve been in order to know where I’m going.

So I’m going to continue to document my life, my daily struggles, and perhaps start posting them here again. Because ultimately that’s what this blog is supposed to be about: my story.

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