My fuse has been short this past week.
For the most part, I have a high tolerance of pain and I can be very forgiving. But when I forgive, I don’t forget. So when I forgive, and forgive, and forgive someone… it all adds up over time. Eventually I finally run out of room for forgiveness, and then my wrath is unleashed.
That’s exactly what happened this week.
My ex and I parted ways several months ago (for good this time). It was not a clean break up. It was messy. Long story short, in addition to breaking my heart, he also owed me some money which I’ve been lax in getting back. But no, not this time. Money is a trivial thing to me and when I loan it to someone I care about, I rarely expect to be paid back, especially when I know they need it. The thing is though, I wanted to take something from him. I wanted to hurt him in any way I could, so I demanded my money.
Earlier this week I texted him, asking if I should expect to see my money this week. He said yes. I didn’t stop there though. I kept going… calling him names and just generally being a vindictive bitch. And I didn’t stop. Even after he tried to end the conversation, I kept going. “No, you are an asshole. And I want you to live the rest of your life knowing I think that. Because all you ever did was break my heart and disappoint me. And this time you did it to a point where I don’t even want to remember who you were or that you were ever in my life. That’s how much I hate you.”
But I kept going even further after that.
I don’t know what I was looking for really. Perhaps I wanted an apology. Or perhaps I wanted him to explain to me how it was all a misunderstanding, because he was really good at doing that.
The truth is I didn’t feel any better afterwards because this time he had no excuse. No explanation that would make anything better. And that was probably the hardest part… knowing it was true. Because I didn’t want to believe that I could ever be the kind of person who could deserve such treatment, who could be disregarded and forgotten like that.
I’m far from being perfect I know. But I deserved more consideration than that.
This week has proved to me that I’m in no position to start looking for another relationship. Date, yes. But long term commitment? Not right now.
I just need someone to numb the pain.